RelationSHITs, SituationSHIPs, & REAL Talk

When I was discussing my blog post with TheInfamous, he identified two very important thoughts that I did not address, and in reading the poem and my perspective in relation to it’s author I wanted to revisit the topic. You can read my blog post  Addicted To The Pain and see my perspective. But, TheInfamous said:

1. He didn't address why men stay.
2. You didn't address why women allow men to walk away.

This is a topic that I want to cover from the perspective of male to female introspection - the basis: self-analysis, self-examination, soul-searching, self-observation, contemplation, meditation, thoughtfulness, thought, and, reflection.

Why men stay in relationships that are not healthy for them?

Me: Men stay in relationships that are not healthy for them because of comfort and complacency. THAT is the only reason, unless of course he is married with children. The dynamics of an unhealthy relationship differs than two single people in relationship.

Men tend to seek a woman on the basis of what he sees with his eyes; the visual. I've heard plenty of men state that their only thoughts when meeting a woman is whether he can bed her, no wait, when he can bed her is more accurate. My perception is this, a man will only put in work to gain the initial trust of a woman for as long as it takes for him to invite her over to chill and end up in his bed. If she flat out tells him no, he falls back. Men are not up to the challenge of working hard for what they want anymore (I blame men who have “dogged-out” women for this, and the paradigm shifting where woman are just giving it up w/o so much as an offer to court her,  she has just as much need as a male and some aren't demisexual, where we need to have an emotional connection just to have sex...but that’s for another post.) When a female comes along with the communication of letting him know what she wants, when she wants it and how she wants it, she will allow him to bed her (on her terms), and he will see it as win-win, right. This is someone he can see that he doesn't have to coddle because she is independent and strong. He perceives that with her, he can be himself and not worry about her being needy. They end up in a relationship, living together, and possibly having children. Not married. In the beginning of their relationship they flourish, they are on the same page as far as the future, and there is the mutual understanding of family. He wants to be with her, she wants to be with him, they accept each other’s surface flaws and they are in relationship bliss. Until one of them wake up and realize that the life they both believed in wasn't what they are living.  If the woman comes to the realization first, she will begin to implement the things in her life that coincide with her dream and visions. He will more than likely not understand this and will question where the problem lies, and act as if the problem came about suddenly. Why? He became comfortable.

TheInfamous: The only time a man will usually stick it out...is when he pulls a woman he feels is above...lets say his pay grade or...he has dogged more than his fair share and he's tired...which means, he’s maturing and is ready to settle down.

Why do women allow men to give up on relationships that are healthy for them?

TheInfamous: A woman cannot force a man to do anything that he does not want to do.

Number one, I think women hold on to the past and what was good in the relationship. It trumps all current events no matter how bad or good things are. I also think women have been conditioned to endure stress and take on the mantle of hanging in there almost like its child birth.  Because of this, women tend to want to be the adult in the relationship and will allow the man to walk away. She puts his needs above all others and to fulfill this, she gives him the green light to run rough shot.

Me: Are you kidding me, allow a man to give up? We agree on one thing, a woman cannot force a man to do anything he doesn't want to do and that includes leaving a relationship that he knows is unhealthy. We get tired too, and there is only but so much we can or will put up with before we get tired. I will say this… yes, we have the ability to strengthen him and speak life into him in order to make him see why as a unit we fit, but at the end of the day, we get tired of wanting it for him and us more than he wants it for us or himself.

As I stated in the previous question… a man will stay out of comfort alone. Point blank and Period. A man will stay in a unhealthy, MISERABLE ass marriage and stay because of money (cheaper to keep her azz), kids, or just because he simply doesn't know what his next move will be.

If a woman needs to be the adult in the relationship than he damn sure isn't showing her that he will man up to be the adult and since someone has to step up… a woman is conditioned to do just that… just check your history (but I’m going to leave slavery out of this convo). Many times a man, if comfortable, when a woman says shit isn't right, he will justify why she’s wrong for her feelings, and make excuses for why things will get better just because he wasn't ready for the switch move, and to his credit, he may honestly believe what he is saying. However, what I know for sure, if it is to the point where she is fed up <insert R. Kelly son chorus here>, “When a woman’s fed up, ain't nothing you can do about it, It's like running out of love, And then it's too late to talk about it,”  thus expecting him to man up and take his true position as Head, she can no longer wait.

Please, understand - I support black love and the uplifting of black men and encouragement of black women, but from personal experience has taught me realism and in my opinion, a man will stay out of complacency.. a woman allows it until she gets fed up because ultimately she believes in him.

BTW women think and talk too much - look at my responses vs. TheInfamous’ responses. LOL

Peace.