Dear Mumma,
I have loved you since I first laid eyes on you, I know this may sound strange, but I can remember when I was floating around in your womb. I remember the love and care you showered me with, the way you spoke such love and adoration for me--yes, I can remember hearing you singing, and the way the palm of your hand always grazed across your stomach, made me fall asleep. I can remember the feeling of warmth and love.
When I was little, I remember how you would come home after work and you'd be in the kitchen cooking us dinner, while Poppa was always sitting in the den reading the newspaper. You always fussed at him because he had to read the newspaper, before the nightly news came on and you complained that it was more than likely the same information and a waste of time. He always said, "Honey, leave it." I remember you always being so frazzled with him and him always being very calm. You would, as you were in the kitchen, you would always sing, I would sit at the kitchen table listening to every syllable as it flowed like running water out. You sounded like such an angel singing and I admired you more than anything. I was six. I remember never wanting to go to school; I always wanted to just be close to you, family always called me spoiled, because every time you left -- I cried.
I had such an amazing attachment to you that I cannot remember wanted so badly anything else in life at that time. You would always come with me on Saturday's during the summer and plan with me outside on the lawn. Of course, I had my dolls and was always combing their hair or putting clothes on them. It always meant so much to me the days that you would come to me with a bag and a gift, not for me, but for my dolls, where you had made clothes for them. I was always such a lucky little girl, to have a mother that cared not only for her, but for her doll babies too.
When I was 13, I remember starting my period and as you sat me down to discuss with me what to do and what not to do behind remaining sanitary; again, you were very warm and generous. You said, "You’re a woman now, and that means, you must be careful about how you present yourself to others." I knew that wouldn't be a problem because you and Poppa always showed me what was the respectable and the right thing to do. I hated my period though, I can recall being so emotional during those times, I stayed in my room and sulked. Again, I didn't want to go to school, and you would allow me to stay home on the "first day," you would say, "these things take a lot out of a woman, so sometimes you need to rest." I loved your smile and it always made everything better.
I turned 16, my very own sweet 16 birthday party, it was filled with love and happiness, I got everything I wanted, after all, I was the only child, special in that way. I always told that God made the perfect angel for me and therefore, I didn't need any other children. I love hearing that story. It really made me feel special and one of a kind. I had lots of cousins to share my childhood with and everyone always wanted to come to our house to play or spend the night. So naturally, for my sweet 16, I was allowed to have a slumber party, a couple of the girls from school attended and made sure that when we went back to school they made all the others girls who were not invited jealous. You made us apple fritters and strawberry milk—it was so delicious. I can remember sitting at the table swinging my feet from the bar stool in the kitchen eating and smiling. I loved you Mumma, so much!
Mumma, I can remember all of when I graduated from high school and off to college, you crying and Poppa hugging you telling you it’s going to be alright, that I’d be home for the next holiday break—but you just dropped your hands to your sides, you were waving so vehemently, and then you sunk your head into Poppa’s chest and wept. As I turned, back to see this, a small part of me almost jumped out of the car, but I knew that this was something that I had to do, I wanted you and Poppa to be proud of me, and that I could never just stay at home and be with you. Mumma, I missed you, I missed you to the point, where, I need to know…
Mumma, where were you, why did you leave us (me and Poppa)? All of my life from the time I was six years old, I have wondered, “what was it that I did to make Mumma leave.” Poppa always told me that he knew that I was hiding that feeling of abandonment, he said, “Baby, I know you have it, because I have it and when you’re ready to talk about it, no matter the time or place, we will discuss it.” My entire life with you in it is nothing more than a dream. Every important moment, every level of adolescent, is based off my imagination because you walked out on us and were not there. I missed you Mumma! I miss you now. Where were you? Why are not you hear now? I have a family of my own now and I want my children to know my Mumma, to know the woman I feel in love with when I was in her womb. The woman that took so much care of me when I was young, I was her baby—the woman that I know, would not think of abandoning her family for no reason, no matter what obstacle faced her. I remember asking Poppa when I was 10, “where is Mumma, when is she coming back,” he answered that he did not know and walked off into the bedroom and I heard him crying.
I can recall trying to put you out of my mind. I can recall trying to replace you with Poppa’s new wife, but she didn’t smell like you, she did not have a smile like you and her touch was not warm and it did not give me that fuzzy feeling when she touched me. Sometimes I would call her Mom, but when I did, it never felt right—I knew that I was only trying to replace you with her, and that it could not be done. I have memories of hating you, missing you, and loving you all at the same time. Poppa missed you tremendously, but I needed you so much! When I think back, I can't help but wonder if the reason why I was so anxious and attached to you, was that deep down inside, I felt that you would leave me. I wonder if my subconscious mind at six was telling me that one day I would go somewhere and when I came back you would be gone. When I think this way, it puts my stomach in knots and my heart feels so heavy.
My life has been filled with dreams, hope, and vision of your smile, your singing, and your touch. I can remember waking up in the middle of the night to your smell, and looking for you in my room and you not being there. I’m hurt, I do feel abandoned, and for the first time in my life, I want to know why did you leave me and Poppa? What did we do? Mumma, did you ever love us?
Signed – Missing you Mumma
