I'd like to express my unconditional love you for you and seek your forgiveness. Thank you for reaching out and sharing your emotions.
I can't imagine after all these years how you must feel. Actually, I can imagine the hurt, emptiness, sadness, unhappiness and it being very heartbreaking. For the first couple of months, I thought about how this was affecting you and pleaded with God that you were not affected--that the love your dad provided you was more than enough that you would not be affected. You may ask, where was the unconditional love I should have felt for you, my only child. I know that now after all these years, a grown woman with children of your own how you would wonder. In my honest and pure heart I need you to know that I loved you from the moment I knew I was blessed with you. I knew I only wanted one child; a chosen gem. From that moment--the beginning of your life, our souls connected in a way I've never felt. The moment that your life began in me, I knew that my life would change and I was excited, no, ecstatic would be a more appropriate description. But, you're probably saying to yourself, "and yet you still left me, Mom--how does a mother leave her own child."
I was afraid of being swallowed up, of being exhausted, of opening my eyes one day, and realizing I had lost myself and my life was over. I was 22, married, with a child on the way. Nothing that I'd wanted to do for myself had happened for me. I immediately became scared, panicked and left.
The day I left, was such an emotional and stressful time in my life and it raised little issue for me that I was leaving behind my baby, abandoning her, neglecting to mention even why. When I think back on that day, it was raining and you were asleep, it was as if I was watching someone else do what I was thinking. I was numb; I honestly did not even know where I was going to end up.
It wasn't as if I never wanted to be a mother. Why did I leave? I didn’t know how to be a good mother and wife after a certain point. I wasn’t capable of nurturing you and Poppa, providing the TLC you both deserved. I praise God for your vivid memory of the good times from birth to childhood. My precious daughter, neither you nor Poppa are to blame and the circumstances are not for you to understand, as I am not certain I understand them wholly. I do want you to know how much I love you and Poppa. So many times over the years, I vowed to march up to the door of the house and reclaim you as my family, but fear of rejection is what held me back. Much of what I had left behind was now what I longed for in my life. My thoughts were often surrounded by, "if I only had gone back sooner, maybe I can call Poppa, maybe I can show up at the school, job," but then there was the thought of what right did I have to show up after my abandonment and be asking for forgiveness.
Today, I would like to restore and reestablish a mother/daughter relationship. I recognize we have to build a solid foundation of trust, communication and dependability. I would like to be a part of you and your family’s life when the time is right. I realize we may need to seek counseling and/or support groups, but I am willing to try anything to right this wrong. I often watch Iyanla, "Fix My Life," and think about writing in to tell my story to see if she would help me to communicate my feelings to you. I know I cannot make up for lost time. But what I do want is to spend the rest of my life making it up to you! God has forgiven me for leaving you (and Poppa), now I ask you do the same. I look forward to Sunday dinners, family vacations and phone calls from the grandkids. I love you and thank you for being a strong woman and reaching out to me. I always prayed for you every morning and night that you would be a better mother than I was to you. I am so honored and grateful to God that you would still consider calling me your mother.
Love Mumma
