“There is gain in every loss…A blessing in each lesson… Light within the darkness… Love has no opposites.” — Daniela Nikolova
When I was going through some difficulties recently there were people who stopped calling me, who removed themselves from my circle, who silently judged my decisions. As I sat back and watched, I saw their behavior turn cold, my intuition began to boil in my gut and my heart began to speak. Spirit said, “they are upset because they feel you are allowing this to happen.” This, to me, meant that my choices and what I said yes to for me did not fit their mold. Maybe the mold they fit me in was never meant for me to fit in the first place. Maybe, in their mold I was smarter, or wiser than that. Maybe, I was going down a path they would not have taken for themselves and that is why it was not befitting. But, I question whether being on the path, and seeing the path is always as clear as it seems. It is easy to see the forest from the trees when you are standing at the entrance. Assumptions. Judgments. Opinions. Perceptions. Perspectives.
In my world, for once, I was choosing me and in my heart it was the right choice. That is all that mattered. My entire life I have spent pleasing others, being misunderstood and for a while now I have been on this journey of self-discovery. So the more I chose self, the more triumphant I felt. Finally, without guilt and shame, I was choosing me. In retrospect, what spirit said was not so much about what they felt, but what I knew in me was, “they were right,” “I was allowing it.”
Regardless of the circumstance that led me to this place of self-acceptance, had I not embraced me as I were, I would not be where I am at this moment — strong enough to desire to write this piece and strong enough to actually post it to be shared.
Eventually, I broke down, I did not take the path of least resistance, because I am full of resistance, but I learned a valuable lesson of losing myself and gaining myself at the same time. As I reflect, I now know that people will love you and care for you as long as you are pleasing to how they see you or fit you into their ideas. I now see the character of the people who shunned me…it showed me their integrity…it made it very plain to me that judgment is easy while understanding is not…it made me see that when things do not go as they believe in their truth…they will abandon you. No amount of pleasing anyone will ever save you from pain or hurt — let that shit go — choose self. It will be painful, but pain is growth. I learned this the stubborn way. I am still learning this. I trusted people and people hurt me, that was part of my lesson, and yet in truth, I hurt myself trying to please people. Each time my choice did not align with my true authentic self, things got worse. I would literally feel ill for not living my truth. I was choosing out of fear and that got me exactly what I intended for it not to — alone and rejected.
Even if people do not agree with your choices, you have to live for yourself… now that I am resetting, renewing, and reclaiming ME… those same people will not have a space in my circle…they showed me that their love is conditional on my ability to please them. As I was going through that difficulty God/dess was teaching me “you are a people pleaser,” which led me to realize my fear of rejection, it taught me that I need to create boundaries with everyone I come in contact with and even though I want to say yes and can say yes, I have to say no just to practice setting boundaries so that I do not feel guilty when saying no. It strengthens me to know that people will judge (including family, mostly family), but judgment of you should not and cannot make a difference in the decisions you make for self…good or bad. It is ultimately, all about what you take from it. Nothing is either good nor bad… it just is.
This recent lesson showed me who those people are, but more importantly it helped me remember who I am. I am grateful and appreciative to The Most High for grace and mercy. This morning I stood in the mirror, it took a minute for me to raise my head, I did not want to see tired, disappointed, or restlessness starring back, but I raised my head and faced her…I looked in her eyes and she simply spoke, “embrace where you are right now.”
I needed this release. Thanks for listening to my heart through my fingertips, while I work to find my voice.
Peace, Love, and Light!
