At my therapy appointment one day I was describing to my therapist how tired I am of putting myself in the position to help people, then feeling the weight of responsibility I’ve placed on myself by coming to their aid, then blaming them for putting themselves in the position where they needed help in the first place, and ultimately, feeling regret. In describing my feelings to her, I felt very disingenuous, hypocritical, and fraudulent because how in the hell can you want to help someone then turn around and curse them for needing help. It made no sense to me and here I was sitting in the driver’s seat of the conflict. She listened so intently, and I felt like the way I was explaining myself made me appear as if I needed some serious medication or something. Yet, no judgment filled her eyes, and no condemnation or criticism left her lips. She shook her head and said, “Teshia, have you ever heard of a Drama Triangle,” of which I had not. She proceeded to explain how the triangle maps a type of destructive interaction that occurs between people in conflict.
I have provided a visual based on her drawing and explanation. Once she was finished explaining, it was as if my eyes had been opened from the inside of me and who or what I had been fighting for a very long time had been revealed. It was as if my soul blossomed to an understanding of my own self-inflicted wounds.
This triangle mapping made complete sense to me and I immediately saw my partnership in the conflict and the lead roles I’ve played. She asked me, “do you see yourself in any of these roles?” My response, “in all three, at various times and sometimes at the same time.” She shook her head in agreement. And me being true to who I am, I wanted to fix it expeditiously. I wanted out of the triangle. I asked her how do I get out and she simply said, you have to let adults be adults and fix themselves, fix their own problems, and choose healthy boundaries. What I took in, do not allow yourself to be pulled into the triangle. It was game on for me, I told myself, you will remain outside of the triangle of drama.
To me, it feels more like a circle than a triangle, because it is a continuous, vicious cycle of abuse really, but nonetheless, I choose to stand on the outside of it all.
It’s so funny, that as I look back on most of my relationships, this has been the structure of them all. I participated and invited all the drama by playing each part succinctly and effortlessly, hence my being coined a “drama queen.” I carried it, being fully unaware of my ability to create the weight of responsibility that I was seemingly blaming others for pulling me into.
“Think if you will about a triangle. On each end are roles that we play in life. One is the persecutor, another is the victim and the last is the rescuer. If anyone in this triangle changes roles, the other two roles change as well.” (Karpman)
I honor myself today, the fact that I can now own who I was, yea I was a damn drama queen, LOL and choose and know who I am today to be different. I am being more conscious and aware of what role I played and play in the triangle at any given time, and making sure that I stay outside of triangle.
But, I wonder, do you see yourself in the triangle, and if so, what plans do you have to join me on the outside?
Credit:
Danielle Hatchell, LCPC, http://www.daniellehatchell.com
The Drama Triangle, by Steve Karpman with Comments by Patty E. Fleener M.S.W., accessed http://www.mental-health-today.com/articles/drama.htm, April 13, 2017
