RelationSHITs, SituationSHIPs, & REAL Talk

When I was discussing my blog post with TheInfamous, he identified two very important thoughts that I did not address, and in reading the poem and my perspective in relation to it’s author I wanted to revisit the topic. You can read my blog post  Addicted To The Pain and see my perspective. But, TheInfamous said:

1. He didn't address why men stay.
2. You didn't address why women allow men to walk away.

This is a topic that I want to cover from the perspective of male to female introspection - the basis: self-analysis, self-examination, soul-searching, self-observation, contemplation, meditation, thoughtfulness, thought, and, reflection.

Why men stay in relationships that are not healthy for them?

Me: Men stay in relationships that are not healthy for them because of comfort and complacency. THAT is the only reason, unless of course he is married with children. The dynamics of an unhealthy relationship differs than two single people in relationship.

Men tend to seek a woman on the basis of what he sees with his eyes; the visual. I've heard plenty of men state that their only thoughts when meeting a woman is whether he can bed her, no wait, when he can bed her is more accurate. My perception is this, a man will only put in work to gain the initial trust of a woman for as long as it takes for him to invite her over to chill and end up in his bed. If she flat out tells him no, he falls back. Men are not up to the challenge of working hard for what they want anymore (I blame men who have “dogged-out” women for this, and the paradigm shifting where woman are just giving it up w/o so much as an offer to court her,  she has just as much need as a male and some aren't demisexual, where we need to have an emotional connection just to have sex...but that’s for another post.) When a female comes along with the communication of letting him know what she wants, when she wants it and how she wants it, she will allow him to bed her (on her terms), and he will see it as win-win, right. This is someone he can see that he doesn't have to coddle because she is independent and strong. He perceives that with her, he can be himself and not worry about her being needy. They end up in a relationship, living together, and possibly having children. Not married. In the beginning of their relationship they flourish, they are on the same page as far as the future, and there is the mutual understanding of family. He wants to be with her, she wants to be with him, they accept each other’s surface flaws and they are in relationship bliss. Until one of them wake up and realize that the life they both believed in wasn't what they are living.  If the woman comes to the realization first, she will begin to implement the things in her life that coincide with her dream and visions. He will more than likely not understand this and will question where the problem lies, and act as if the problem came about suddenly. Why? He became comfortable.

Addicted To the Pain

Addicted To The Pain..

They hold on because it’s easier than letting go..

Love was lost before it was ever found..

They fell victim to self-hate and confused it for love..

Love isn’t pain and pain isn’t love..

They aren’t in love; they’re just addicted to the pain..

 

I saw this poem on Instagram and after about 30 seconds of staring at the words, then rereading them, and eventually, meditating on how this message was specific to me, I had to put pen to paper and share my thoughts. What is the pain the author is referring to in the title, Addicted To The Pain?  The interesting thing about the title is the subject where one would assume is the main ingredient of the message “addicted.” But, what does it mean to be addicted? In order to be addicted, you must first be an addict, meaning you are devoting or surrendering (oneself) to something habitually or obsessively. If you are an addict, you can become addicted, meaning you cannot stop the act of what you are doing once you have already succumbed to the specific thing. To have an addiction, you then have a compulsive need for and use of something that is habit-forming. Are you an addict, addicted to the addiction?

When you look at the title from a grammar and usage perspective, the article “the,” placing it in front of the noun pain, indicates a definite description of the word. So, in my opinion the author stating “The Pain,” is indicating there is a specific pain being referred to in his message. The implication is they are addicts surrendering themselves to a compulsive need to feel pain. That is a strong observation.  And where is the origin of the pain?

I believe, the pain, the feelings of inferiority, sometimes worthlessness, and mediocrity do not come from situations we’ve placed upon self.  I am a black woman. When I think about the past, my history, I wonder if the pain is from the cries of Black life--uprooted, broken, beaten, tattered and torn.